A Transformation System That Works!

How often do you feel that you are being punished more than your child when it comes to giving consequences?  Often, rude and disruptive behavior escalates after consequences are given, and you might ask yourself if it was worth it?  The Total Transformation Program written by the illuminated  Lehmans is an excellent resource for understanding how to handle defiant and unsuccessful children/teens. The authors’ premise underscores the importance of all children needing to learn to be accountable for their actions no  matter what age. They state that it is up to you  (the parents) to create a climate of accountability in the home and in the community with your child. They also suggest that many parents try to justify the inappropriate behavior of their child and tend to blame it on the child’s friends or teachers as being a bad influence.  Based on working with scores of parents through my years as a high school teacher, I am of the opinion that some parents use ineffective strategies and when they don’t work, they may look for someone else to blame for their failures.   I believe a number of parents “look the other way” when a child is behaving disgracefully or is abusive and disrespectful to them or others.  There are times when parents may under-react to a child’s weaknesses by refusing to recognize them.

I’ve worked with parents who think inappropriate behavior is just a passing phase related to age, and the child will eventually settle down.   Some parents are in denial of the behavior because understandably, it is a frightening situation to realize your child just can’t cope.  Sometimes, parents are even afraid of their own children.  They might be afraid of the child’s failures and think, “what if I don’t know how to help him?”  Or they may even be thinking, “what if I pass my failures on to him?”  Often the parent will become the enabler when they take total responsibility for solving the child’s problems.   If you recognize yourself in any of these statements, please know that, first and foremost, you should  never allow abusive or disrespectful  behavior and never make excuses for it.   If you are subjected to abusive behavior on a regular basis, you may have become so accustomed to it, you “let it ride”.  That is not a way to help your child.

If your child is failing in an area, there are steps you can take to help him.  Accurately define the failure, and explain to him exactly what it is.  Perhaps it is his impulsive behavior, like not thinking before acting, maybe it’s his laziness, ungratefulness, or emotional immaturity.  Accept your child fully, and don’t withhold affection because of his inappropriateness and belligerent behavior.  Withholding affection won’t help but at the same time boundaries and consequences need to be established for intolerable behavior, including abuse and disrespect.

According to information in the Transformation audio program, you can state something like this:  “You may not abuse your sister or call me names.  You may not abuse anyone verbally or physically.”  Then, you need to defuse the situation by taking the power out of the abusive behavior so it becomes an ineffective tool for the child.  Give the child the ground rules, and then tell him the consequences for breaking the rules.  Yes, he may balk at first, and get angry.  Always use an unemotional tone.  You can listen compassionately, and continue to invest in your child no matter what your child needs.  Let him know that he is accepted even though he hasn’t met your expectations.  You also need to give your child the tools to help himself so he doesn’t explode.  This can be as simple as suggesting he count to 10 in his head (model this) before he says anything.  Or, when he feels like he’s about to explode, have him give you a signal that he needs to go into his room for 10 minutes to cool off and maybe listen to music before resuming the conversation.





Perceived Threat Coming In!

I had to laugh at myself when I was trying to deal with a particularly defiant student in my class whose m.o. is to deliberately provoke, whether me or another student. I didn’t follow my own advice, which I continually give to parents in my blogs and talks. This youngster, age 14, raised the hackles on my back figuratively, by deliberately provoking me into a confrontation by defying my authority.

Instead of quickly asking myself what solution to this situation would be the most beneficial to both of us, I reacted by yelling at him and threatening him with a referral to the Principal. This would mean he couldn’t attend the 8th grade graduation ceremony and dance. That was probably the worst thing I could threaten him with, and I pulled out ‘’he big gun”.  At this point, I had lost the battle, and I knew it.

How to handle the situation that I blew:

1- Make sure to take a pause (the one that refreshes the brain, the one where you give a little time to think clearly by breathing deeply a few times). I could have been using both hemispheres of my brain instead of going into fight or flight mode because I felt threatened.

2- I didn’t take into consideration that this child had to keep up his cool with his classmates, and would not back down so I would be the one who had to come up with a solution that was a respectable compromise for both of us.   A win/win so to speak.

3- I needed to think and not react so quickly. I could have taken the kid into a private area and calmly asked him to discuss the reason he had to act out in the way he did, and how he thought it made me feel. I could have told him how anxious his provocations made me feel, and how hard it is to have to deal with it on a constant basis. Then, I could have asked him what he thought his consequences should be. I could have admitted that I made a mistake and realized the consequences I gave him were too severe. I could have made him part of the decision making process, and empowered him in some way by doing this. Obviously, he has self-esteem issues and needs to feel in control.

4- I would show my vulnerability and model fair behavior to this child who suffers on some level. Better that, than flying off the handle as I did, and making no advancements in understanding and respect. Could’ve, would’ve, should’ve!

Good Parent / Effective Parent

On July 21, I posted a blog suggesting parents need to be on the same page in disciplining their child.  In other words, it ultimately becomes ineffective to take the roles of good cop, bad cop.  It is also ineffective if one of you is a poor role model.  As an example, you tell your child how dangerous it is to smoke, and then light up yourself. Both of you need to always do as you say, and what you agree upon, and don’t break the rule.

More on that now.  Let’s take a look at a possible scenario.  Mr. and Mrs. Smith disagree on negative  behavior consequences.  Mr. Smith is strict, and believes their daughter, Kirby, needs to “toe the line.”  Mrs. Smith is more democratic in her child rearing procedures.

Whenever Mr. Smith disagrees with her methods, he interferes in front of Kirby, and not only does an argument commence, but Kirby being a bright kid, understands how to manipulate a situation, and sees her mother is more flexible.  This is the weak link, and she knows where she can insinuate herself.  Of course, Mrs. Smith will not abdicate her own power, and will interject herself when her husband is trying out his disciplinary methods.

What to do?

Instead of trying to be “good” parents, based on your own upbringing or your conception of how a “good” parent should behave, be a responsible parent.  Here are some ways a “good” parent may behave, and how it can affect your child:

“I must be in control and demand obedience” – therefore the child can learn to lie, steal and lacks self-discipline

“I must be a perfect role model and am overly concerned about what others think” – therefore the child learns to worry about others’ opinions

“I must have a perfectly behaved child” – the child then believes he is never good enough

“I am right and my child is wrong” – translates to low self- esteem or copy-cat behavior

This is a possible behavior of a “good” parent.

*  Pities the child who is having a melt-down to avoid punishment

*  Takes responsibility for their child’s poor behavior or academic failure, such as telling a teacher the child has never acted that way at home and it must be another child’s fault, or that the teacher doesn’t have the proper behavioral management strategies

*  Overprotects the child

*  Gives, with strings attached, such as, “if you get B’s in all your classes, you’ll get a new bike.”  It’d be better to say, “if you get B’s in all your classes, we will be so proud of you.”

Set realistic standards which focus on the task at hand.  Have the courage to explain to the child that you’ve made mistakes, and you’re not concerned with mistakes but how to avoid them next time.

How about being a responsible parent?  Here are some ways to do this.  Discuss this with your spouse or partner so you can be on the same page.

*  Permit the child to have choices, and encourage the child.  For instance, you might ask the child (depending upon the age), what they think would be a fair punishment for behavior such as hitting their sibling, not doing their homework, speaking disrespectfully, or breaking a curfew.  Let the child make the choice, and give them your suggestions.

*  Promote equality, encourage mutual respect, and avoid making the child feel guilty.  Parents will talk about their own mistakes, and have the courage to admit when they are wrong, listen, and respect what the child is saying.  Repeat it back to make sure the child understands what he/she said, and can clarify if not,  and then calmly offer your point of view.  Focus on the strengths of the child before bringing up the weaknesses, encourages independence by designating chores around the house, and rewarding positive behaviors by encouraging words or material objects.

Please notify me by email or friend me on one of my social media links to schedule a phone appointment should you require more information.